Throw some shades on

When I was a younger lolita a few years ago, I tried to become "famous". I made myself a Facebook page, tried the cheeky writing style and gave on to the whole idol pose/cutesy thing that was trendy back then. I don't even know why I did that. Well, I suppose that as any teenager ever I just wanted to exist.

Why do we want to become well-known ? What does it change for us ?
I guess peer recognition is a thing. It's a signal that not only you fit in, but you fit in so well it's actually you who set the trends. You're know the one who decide who fit in or not. As someone who never succeeded fitting in, I can now see why I was so attracted by e-fame.

Of course it backfired, because you can't take all the space claiming that you're better than others when truly you're not. Before setting the rules you have to follow them, comprehend them then bend them at your will. People with long-lasting fame usually deserve it for their skills, because they're people to look up to.

The thing is, I don't want to be someone to look up to. I'm a imperfect human. We're all. I make life choices according to my very own my past and current experiences. We should all do that. Really, no one should admire anyone, cause you know what ? You're gonna be disappointed a way or an other. These people are awesome, nice, stylish, clever, pretty but not perfect. Remember that.

My quest for recognition was a real let down, and while I stopped thinking about it, taking a break from the Internet, my past errors continued to simmer down in the mind of people. I gained in my national comm a reputation of elitist strictness. To be fair, I do apply a pretty strict set of rules to everything in my life, including lolita fashion, but as I know it's based my own really crooked and bizarre mind it's restricted only to myself and I do my best so it won't trouble my judgment of others.
While I do partially appreciate this image which allow me to get away with not acting like a super kawaii carebears person, I'm sometimes not as amused by people interpreting my shy behavior and absolute fear of being an awkward embarrassment as being a snob. Well, I suppose I have to deal with it. It's my fault for sending the wrong message in the first place.

Still, what I wanted to say is that I'm happy it didn't work out. I'm happy I'm not obligated to anyone, that I'm not feeling forced to do anything to achieve status. I'm not is the craze. I don't think I represent anything for anyone apart maybe a friend for those few I got closer with. When I see people going crazy on the Internet for this or that, I'm just happy that whatever happens, as nobody needs me and I don't owe anything to anyone I can just walk away. Maybe it's stupid but to me it is freedom. I'm visible enough to have the occasion of doing an array of awesome things and meeting plenty of new amazing people, but just small enough to be able to leave whenever I want to. That's how I intend to live my life at the moment : by being able to just leave. "Normal" life, family, lolita fashion, anything really. I'm resigned to not fit in. And now for the first time of my life I feel free.

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